#2: IronMan Suit

Insta-Superhero. Superhero in a can. How many times in your life have you had the conversation with friends or family about what superpowers you would have if you could have, 3? Just 1? 5? 10? It's a conversation quintessential to any child's love affair with the myth and splendor of heroes. There's no doubt that in that conversation, many things you would have wanted, the IronMan suit can deliver: flight, (they haven't done this yet, but I'm certain it will come out in the second movie) invisibility/stealth, super strength, super speed, bulletproof, did I mention flight? Additionally, for those of you who remember the beginning of this segment (my apologies), I clearly stated that included with every prop was the wherewithal, characteristics, traits, etc. necessary to use it. In this case, that includes pure genius. So you got that goin for you too.

Unfortunately, I can't be too original with what I'd do with this prop, because I'm fairly certain I would simply go kill terrorists, the same way IronMan does. Except I'd probably do it a little less ostentatiously. I'd probably get the names of leaders of the Taliban, last known location, use satellite technology I built into the suit, and proceed with political assassinations. Sure it's unethical, un-American, open to prosecution, but see that's the best part about being a superhero: as long as you're not hurting anyone besides 'bad guys', who in this case are enemies of freedom and democracy, then you're pretty much above the law. I mean who's really gonna be upset if I flew into Pakistan, scooped up Osama Bin Laden and laid him at the base of the White House steps, or in the lap of the Lincoln memorial, not unlike the Dark Knight's extraction of the Asian banker from his own building.

The owner/operator of this suit is already rich, but if we assume he or she isn't for a second , it'd be pretty damn easy to rob banks, steal pretty much anything, hold nations' leaders hostage for huge ransoms, and things of that nature.

Sorry for the delay folks, as always, comments welcome.

#3: The DeLorean

1.21 GiGAWATTSSS MAAAARRRTTYYY! Who guessed that the most famous time traveling device in film history (along with Bill and Ted's excellent phonebooth) would be on this list? Probably most of you. Not only do I love this movie and this series, but this really is one of the coolest movie props ever. The flux capacitor and other techno-geek additives supplemented to the back of this ultra-light, efficient, quick little beast, that in real life almost revolutionized/ took over the automotive industry are awesome. Revvv this baby up to 88 Miles per Hour after punching in a date all the way to the day and you are where you wanna be.

Time travel is something that's been fantasized over by every kid, physicist, storyteller and daydreamer alike since the beginning of time. There are all kinds of infantile theories about traveling the speed of light and reversing the earth's orbit (e.g., Superman) and Time being the 4th dimension and business of this sort. Luckily for you, when I hit 88 miles per hour in the DeLorean, the last thing I'm going to be thinking of is the earth's orbit.

With a time machine, ahh there's so much. (NOTE: ALL of these are independent of each other and essentially a stream of consciousness thought/writing process) I'll start with the past I think. I'd go back and ensure that Nixon didn't get ripped off in the '60 election, in turn making him not the most politically paranoid individual of all time and probably a good president; I'd make sure the Vietnam war didn't happen, and in turn give LBJ's welfare incentives an opportunity to make this country what it should be today. I'd go hunting with FDR. I'd probably do nothing about the Titanic. I might bring the Indians a few guns to make the fight a little more interesting and to piss Karl off. I'd definitely go watch a gladiator fight. I'd go tell everyone in the Civil War that the way they were fighting was retarded and that they were going to kill 620,000 Americans for nothing. I'd probably go see Jesus speak, just to see if that was all it's cracked up to be. I'd definitely punch Thomas Jefferson in the face. I'd ask Ben Franklin why a guy with such a sweet life has the most boring autobiography of all time. I'd bring a submarine back, with future DeLorean technology obviously, and sit in the atlantic ocean blowing up slave trade ships. I'd go see William Wallace fight from a cloaked helicopter, to compare the movie to real life. I'd definitely check out the dinosaurs, probably mount a T-Rex head on my wall in the "present" after shooting him with some photon cannon from the year 3000. I'd murder Donovan McNabb's parents while they were dating. I'd watch a fight between shaolin monks. I'd check out some Samurai battles. I'd get a front row seat to every Nicklaus-Palmer battle. I'd go to the Eagles 1960 World Championship, the Sixers 1983 Championship Series, and the Phillies 1980 World Series. I'd go watch the eagles win the Super Bowl in 2004, since Donovan McNabb is already dead. I'd go back to fourth grade where some bitch framed me for stealing the teacher's pencil and expose her. I'd probably foil W's rise to power entirely. That or dress up in tin foil and a helmet and try to convince him that I was from the future, just to see if he bought it. Tap John Wilkes Booth on the shoulder as he was cocking the gun and give him a taste of a 12-gauge. I'd go back and bet on games, knowing the outcome, and probably still lose betting on the Eagles. I'd commit crimes then go back and erase them. I'd go get wrecked in a speakeasy. I'd go buy old cars for like 6 dollars and sell them for half a million today. It's pretty clear that I would become rich quite quickly. I'd give Mac enough money to buy and sell PC over and over. Al Qaeda wouldn't exist. I'd find out if 9/11 was a conspiracy, and stop it either way. I'd probably let WWII unfold as it did except I might give the Americans some sick guns or something, just to ensure a little swifter victory, minus the holocaust, of course. I'd probably go and trip up the JoBros fasttrack to success, if I'm being honest. Take the movie you hate most in the world, or actor, or singer, or performer, or anything like that, and if you're nice to me, I'll go back and ensure their career doesn't work out. I'd personally go back and replace the knife in Phil Hartman's wife's hand with a dandelion and kick her in the knee. I'd definitely get ringside seats to Ali-Frasier fights, amongst others. I'd probably disrupt Tom Brady's surgery and make sure that it went horribly wrong.

As for the future, I'd take like a pack of pennies from now go and sell them at their peak, then buy a computer from like 40 years from now, come back and be like, what's up? I'd be sure to go get the cure for Type 1 Diabetes and various types of cancer and just bring them back. I probably go and find out how I die and/or wait until they come up with the immortality pill and get one of those. See the future is tough because you don't know what's going on. You're like the uncool new kid (as @TacoSpa puts it) whereas in the past you know exactly what's going on and you've got a fading picture of you and your siblings to tell you what to do. In order to combat this, you'd obviously have to go very far ahead then back up a little. So if you want to see what's up in 50 years you go 75, check out your tombstone in my case, etc. etc., then go back. As for the tombstone though, I'd probably just go to the future and get all sorts of new age treatments and cures and what not and just make my body and mind last forever. I'd take a girl on the coolest fuckin date she's ever been on. Like, hey, so what's your favorite period in history? Uhh. I liked Elizabethan England... Nice, me too. Let me get the door. TSSHHHHHHHSSHHHH. ... Uhh I think you're going a little fast, it's a 25. Just need to get to 88...

Admittedly my Future is a little weak, but I've got to get some actual shit done. So leave what you would do in the future and any more suggestions you've got for the past too. Thanks for reading.

#4: Qui-Gon Jin's Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Until yesterday, when I spent the day at the beach, number 4 was going to be the Green Goblin Glider. I was going to discuss the differences between the cartoon version, the Norman Osbourne version, and finally the Harry Osbourne snowboard version featured in Spiderman 3. But then I thought to myself, flight has been covered on this list, so why not fulfill another dream of mine with a prop: breathing underwater.

For those of you who need refreshing, the abomination that is Jar-Jar Binks is leading Qui-Gon Jin and Obi-Wan Kenobi to the secret city of the Gungans, where they essentially hide in times of trouble. This is entire city is situated underwater and houses some sort of quasi-liquid orbs that allow gravity and oxygen etc. So anyway, the two Jedi follow Jar-Jar to the hidden city and as they're submerging themselves they insert two small devices that look like a mouthguard with plastic wings into their mouths. Presumably, this allows them to breathe underwater, because they enter a pond and swim to the city.

Anyway, breathing underwater is obviously something really really cool. Scuba diving without a tank or any of that cumbersome gear, scaring the shit out of people with fake shark fins etc, creating some sort of suit that's resistant to pressure (and assuming that this device is capable of extracting oxygen from extremely pressurized water (I mean it's used by Jedi, it's probably safe to assume that)) and discovering all kinds of previously lost treasure, do some kind of Italian Job-like thievery in Venice, winning a shitload of breath-holding contests via hustling, (assuming I could replicate this prop for just one second) creating some sort of quidditch-like underwater game (courtesy of BB), astronaut training, becoming a disgusting surfer, given that if I 'wipe out,' as it's called, I can't drown, doing similar things of that nature, extreme kayaking, cliff diving, and pretty much anything where drowning is a risk, and finally trying to discover some way to trigger underwater volcanic eruptions, so as to create my own island in the pacific.

Comment with your uses for underwater breathing in a tiny handheld device.

Sorry for the lengthy delay, the real world's been knocking at my door the last few days. Then I went to the beach.

#5: Like Mike Basketball Shoes

Ok so these shoes were hanging on an electric line (my understanding is that this gesture suggests the space beneath directly below said shoes is a venue for purchasing drugs, but I dunno. Just thought that would be a hilarious coincidence) and they're struck by lightning or some astrological force. Bow Wow somehow discovers the shoes. Anyway, the shoes endow the owner/ person wearing them with basketball abilities akin to Michael Jordan, despite height, color, creed, or any other potential impasse to being tremendous at basketball. It's also possible that the shoes make one better than Michael Jordan. I say this because I seem to recall all 5 foot 3 inches, hundred and thirty-five pounds of Bow Wow not missing a shot once, let alone being capable of dunking. Logically speaking, anyone who becomes like Mike as a result of the shoes, but has fewer qualities indicative of basketball success, is better than Mike... Anyway, that's not as important.

Bottom line: I would head directly to Rucker Park and become a street legend. NBA you ask? Nope. I'd travel the country to all the notorious and infamous courts where no white boy who grew up in suburbia and never played organized basketball could even watch, let alone participate, and earn the respect of all the players. I'd make my money somehow, sponsoring street games, playing pros who called me out for not having the right stuff to play in the NBA in televised one-on-one games, etc. I'd also fortify the shoes so they didn't fall apart on me like they did in the movie, get them to some sort of sneaker cobbler to make them invincible.

After all this I'd probably join the NBA and win 6 championships, not just "get my team into the playoffs."

#6: Men In Black Mind Eraser

Technically known as the neutralizer, I'm sure I don't have to remind you what this little guy does. But I will. It has dials on which you can set Years, Months, Days, and I believe Hours (correct me if I'm wrong on that one). Depending on the settings, one facing the red beam and devoid of sunglasses loses any memory of the specified time. This prop would be so unbelievably useful.

Never pay for fast food again, never pay for anything again. Take a test, let your teacher grade it, boom erase and re-take. Withdraw, withdraw, withdraw, from the bank teller. Erase every embarrassing moment from here on out. Pretty much cure Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and perhaps other emotional disorders. End a bad relationship. Make myself forget when necessary. Memory erasing for hire business. I'd get to wear sunglasses pretty much all the time.

I know I'm probably missing some stuff here, so please post your ideas.

#7: Tinkerbell Fairy Dust (from Hook, not Peter pan)

I picked this particular prop because I think it was a creative way to diversify the list as well as include everyone's universal desire to be capable of flight. The reason I chose this in particular is because it affords one the unique ability to fly without any sort of contraption (like those bastardously misconstrued Death Eaters). So a broomstick, wings, or some other type of device that permits flight is inferior to a little bit of dust and a happy thought. (Sidenote: unemployment may or may not prevent me from conjuring a happy thought to make this work. Not to mention my inherent cynicism).

Another nice thing about this particular item is that you can share with friends. But before I shared anything, I would clearly go around to pretty much every basketball court in the country betting people exorbitant amounts of money that I could do a flip in the air, then 360, then dunk and things of the like.

This point of sharing though begets the question of how much, how much dust do I get for this prop? Well if it was infinite, it'd probably be a lot higher on the list. SO for our purposes, we'll say it's a finite amount. Now gimme some of your uses for flight.

#8: Invisibility Cloak

You don't need to be a Wizard to understand the tremendous number of uses for this cloak. I must say that if there's one thing J.K. Rowling falters with is the mischievous, rather, devious side of young wizards. I don't think many teenagers (at the very least, teenage guys) would fail to at least consider the perverse and sneaky things one could do with this cloak. That is not to say that I support any of those things, just that I feel they're important to mention when discussing the teenage psyche.

Anyway, my uses for the cloak include: living at home rent free and being able to appear out of the house, i.e., free of guff from my family, when I was really just writing this blog or pretending to study for the LSAT; scaring the bejeeezus out of everyone that I know, often; definitely figuring out some way to Rob a bank; lending it out to the military for vast sums of money to combat terrorism; avoiding mugging in any bad neighborhood anywhere; watching games/professional sports(basketball, football, baseball, etc.) courtside, fielside etc.; tripping Tom Brady, Ben Roethlisberger, Terrell Owens, Eli Manning, and a host of other athletes every time they tried to move on the field or court; solving mysteries; getting to the front of any line; staying after hours in amusement parks; getting out of the box; never suffering through another walk of shame again; bail on checks, tabs, or any kind of food service industry bill; bail on a bad date; hooking up in extraordinary locations (e.g., The 50-yard line of the Linc); political assassinations; never again be caught as the guy who just made the bathroom unbearable; frame people I don't like, plant evidence, etc.

I know I've missed some of the ways to take advantage of invisibility. Please comment with your uses for the invisibility cloak.

#9: Batmobile

Since I was a kid I've always loved the Batmobile. It really is one of the greatest cars ever. It showcases the time, money, ingenuity, and just sheer brilliance that is the Bruce Wayne/Batman tandem. I remember seeing one a few years back in a used car magazine for 200 grand and thinking to myself, I will own that someday. Alas, today is not that day, so I'll have to be content with merely blogging about the batmobile (insert discontented sigh). The Batmobile is extremely strong, it's extremely fast, and over the years it's amassed more cool gadgets than any prop car EVER.

The question becomes then, which one? For me, the original, the 1966 version up top doesn't do it for me. Then again, neither did Adam West (all due respect). I just don't like the orange. But it has to be given its due diligence as any original masterpiece does.

But Evolution has it's benefits, particularly in the Batmobile industry. The 1989 Batmobile was a work of art. This car still deserved to be recognized as one of the most badass Batmobiles. The original flame propellant on the back of this thing was the coolest thing I'd seen related to a car at that time.


Then we have to discuss the flashier adaptations of the Batmobile. Batman Forever's Batmobile is a true testament to the steroid age. Not just of baseball, but American Society. Nothing could could be simple and clean and pure anymore like the old Batmobiles, production companies, working wages, etc., everything had to be jacked up on something else, to get an edge. Well this is one Batmobile that certainly has an asterisk next to it in my mind.




Because I feel obligated, I have to to address the new Batmobiles from Begins and Dark Knight. Is the idea of them really cool? Yea, I think it's sweet that Batman drives a tank around that can do all kinds of cool stuff and I think that the idea for how the vehicle came to be (bridge builder) was really cool. But I just like my Batmobiles sleek, edgy, like the best sports car ever made + guns and explosives and things of that nature.

Finally, my own personal favorite Batmobile is the Batman Returns Batmobile. Sleek, similarly designed as the original, but it could get rid of its sides and go through alleways, not to mention climb walls. Perhaps the undercarriage is a bit structurally flawed, nontheless this is my favorite Batmobile. It's almost worth noting that if I was being specific, I could just say that I want the Penguin's miniaturized control booth and satellite device. But I'm not, so most importantly, I had a toy of this car that was totally awesome.

#10: Jack Sparrow's Compass

The compass that indeed, does not point due North but rather to the thing one wants most in the world. A map of the heavens on the inside and a compass disk made from a shaved walrus tusk, this little item could prove quite useful in many regards, first and foremost, shattering this 'emerging adult' stagnation I find myself entrenched in, comprised of procrastination, consternation, and indecision. Jack uses the compass to find a lot of mythological or fantastical items (e.g., the fountain of youth, Isla de Muerta, & the Flying Dutchman), but I wonder how well it would work in the real world. If what I truly wanted in life was money, does it just lead me to the outside of a bank, because that wouldn't do me much good. Or if what I wanted more than anything else was love, can you imagine following that thing like a dog concentrating on a scent and ending up standing next to some woman you've never met before... Think about how well that pickup line would go over, "Hi, uh... see I have this gadget here, that leads me to the thing I want most in the world, and I think that's love, and it lead me to you." Now if she's normal, she either reaches for her can of pepper spray or tells you to get the hell out of her face; if she's cool, she says something along the lines of well, what if that thing is just trying to get you laid. Either way, Mr. or Mrs. Right probably isn't gonna buy it. Though it does often lead Jack Sparrow to rum, which could be useful. I guess the biggest question mark related to this item for me is whether or not you can extremely specific, like making a distinction between 'rum' and 'free rum' or 'money' and 'easily stealable money that's federally insured so I don't feel guilty' etc. etc. The idea of this prop gets it onto the list, but the pragmatic semantics of it keep it at Number 10. And in case you're wondering, in the interest of diversifying the list, I did choose this item OVER Davy Jones' heart, which will not be on the list.

Thanks for reading, please comment either below or in the new comment section to the right, and I hope you enjoy the remainder of the list. Thanks.

Introduction to the Issue

Good Mooooorrrnnninngggg Neverland! (A. not an homage to the late Michael Jackson B. definitely a hook reference but really C. the name of my unemployed milieu, in which I will 'never' get a job). SO this week's topic is another Top Ten list, the Top 10 Movie Props I would want to have and be able to use properly. To answer the first question that is raised regarding this topic, YES, that does mean that if you need some sort of power not traditionally afforded to human beings or perhaps entirely fictional, then you get it for the purposes of these arguments. I will not, however, allow this fact to tarnish the integrity of the list, with a bit of logic such as... "Well obviously X has to be Number 1 because if I had that I could just..." I will be going by what I think the best props to have are, not by what other props I could make, obtain, forge, steal, etc. if I had the powers associated with one.

Next, this entire list and line of thought has only been made possible with the assistance of TroutMonkey, who must receive my g(f)ratitude before we continue.

Finally, you might notice that I've added a comment box on the side of the blog. I don't particularly like the format of it, but I couldn't change very much about it. Anyway, the reason I did this is because I think that this particular topic is going to promote a lot of discussion (at least I hope it will) and I'd hate to retard anyone's thoughts with my glacial posting pace. So the box is for those who want to have a running dialogue throughout the publishing of the entire list and I hope it gets used, otherwise this entire paragraph makes me look like a huge jackass.

Anyway, thanks for reading, make comments, and most importantly of all, if you liked it, tell your friends.

Honorable Mention List

These are just a few thoughts, minor issues that I had with the movie(s) that weren't included properly but weren't significant enough to make the top-ten list. If you have any more or think I should have ordered anything differently, please let me know. Thanks.

1. Luna finds Harry on the Hogwarts express instead of Tonks. Why? (There was something else of importance that Luna did that wasn't actually her but I can't remember what it was). Tonks' finding Harry is actually important because it shows the increased security around him in light of Voldemort's return. Luna doesn't exactly inspire confidence.

2. Harry and Ginny make out in the Room of Requirement and find the vanishing cabinet. Totally misconstrued series of events.

3. No Dobby or Kreacher following following around Malfoy. Additionally, they make no appearance whatsoever, which in turn means that Sirius' will is not addressed. That's brutal.

4. The Malfoy subplot was horribly done. They don't find out about the vanishing cabinet until Malfoy explains it to Dumbledore, Crabbe and Goyle don't change into little girls with scales to drop, and in turn aren't sullen about it, Malfoy's entire degeneration of body and spirit was poorly done, and Does he show anyone the mark in the book?


If you think of anything else, feel free to chime in.

#1: Dumbledore

So the reason this is coming on Tuesday and not Friday, like my initial intention is because I know that most of my readers, followers, etc. (at least the ones that I am familiar with) work in office jobs. Alas, there was a time long ago when my time was occupied by the glorious tasks of office work and, in yearning for more of that, I took into consideration a few things: first, you don't really care what you're reading on Friday, because you're trying to look like you're doing just enough work possible to get the hell out of there that afternoon; second, Monday's usually have legitimate work in store for you, so your opportunity to totally blow off work to read a blog about Harry Potter (and others) is probably limited; Wednesday is hump day and there's usually a Happy hour to look forward to and Thursday is only one day before Friday. So there is some distant, probably tainted method to my madness.

Anyway, number one is a multi-layered issue that has many caveats but includes both plot points and general issues taken with the movie so bear with me.

First and foremost, I have to say that the one thing that all the directors, producers, and makers of these movies do extraordinarily well is casting. Sure, Harry, Ron and Hermione are good. But Snape and McGonagall are PERFECT. Even I can't complain about the casting. And they did a fantastic job with Dumbledore initially (Richard Harris, rest in peace) and in terms of appearance, I thought Michael Gambon was a fine replacement. Gambon, however, just doesn't do it for me. I've always imagined Dumbledore possessing a truly incomparable demeanor of patience, gentleness, and understanding afforded only to those of the greatest comprehension and superiority. That being said, Dumbledore also possesses a ferocity of spirit not easily found in your average Wizard. First of all every time he enters a battle I get chills and imagine it's like Peyton Manning playing in a 7th & 8th grade football game, CC Sabathia in a little league game, or Landon Donovan in a PeeWee soccer game. You get the point. He's a superhero in a world already filled with magical powers; that's impressive. But what's more is the combination of these two feats. Dumbledore is both a man of supreme power and paramount importance to the Wizarding world and a man with unparalleled compassion and wisdom. The fusion of these two things into one person presents the ultimate champion of good, or in other words the ultimate hero(sure Harry is a hero, and our protagonist, but that doesn't detract from Dumbledore's heroism). Perhaps from an archetypal perspective, he fulfills more of a mentor or teacher role, but I'm hesitant to don him that only because of his active badassness. Anyway, ok, we all know Dumbledore is sweet, get to the point. Gambon, or Yates, or someone in charge of his behavior is doing something wrong. In a book where Dumbledore becomes most vulnerable, both physically and more importantly, emotionally (in his relationship with Harry), why is he portrayed as aloof, distracted, distant? Gambon doesn't inspire in me the bone chilling, hair-standing-on-the-back-of-my-neck confidence that JKR's Albus Dumbledore does, and it is extremely upsetting to me. The relationship in HBP was very poorly developed, failing to show Dumbledore's disappointment in Harry when he faltered in obtaining Slughorn's memory as well as the continued expressions of love the Dumbledore gives Harry, or in other words, actively reaffirming both his own (Dumbledore's) greatest strength as well as the most important fundamental difference between Harry and Voldemort. I can't help but remember reading the books and feeling a lurch in my stomach when Dumbledore is disappointed in Harry or a surge of pride when he gives out a compliment. Every time Dumbledore says one of those things like, "Well, I have the benefit of being quite clever," or something along those lines, I laughed hysterically, because what is funnier than this cockiness disguised as false modesty in the most powerful wizard of all time? (NOTHING). The movies fail to make me chortle at Dumbledore's humor. Remember when Dumbledore is on the tower, likely aware of his certain death, and yet he still maintains all the etiquette not usually afforded by the Death Eaters? Just another little thing that makes him so utterly worthy of our respect. Finally, I sobbed when Dumbledore fell to his death, reading through blurry eyes with the same hope that Harry clung to... Impossible. The movie failed to move me to any emotion whatsoever, for I never loved Dumbledore in the movies as I did in the books. And that's not fair.

As you can see, that's a lot about Dumbledore in general, and across all of the movies so far. The second point about Dumbledore is specific to HBP. I think most of you probably know what's coming, because it was the single biggest and most unnecessary plot flaw in the entire movie.

"He looked around at Dumbledore, who gestured him to retreat. Harry backed away, drawing his wand as he did so. The door burst open and somebody erupted through it and shouted, 'Expelliarmus!' Harry's body became instantly rigid and immobile, and he felt himself fall back against the tower wall, propped like an unsteady statue, unable to move or speak. ... Dumbledore had wordlessly immobilized Harry, and the second he had taken to perform the spell had cost him the chance of defending himself" (HBP, p. 584).

There was no idiotic shhh from Snape's finger over his mouth and Harry did not just wait idly beneath the stairs for one of his last remaining profound emotional connections with an adult to be severed by yet another murder at the hands of Death Eaters. This is Harry Potter we're talking about here. I don't need to remind you, but I will, that he has mindlessly, though bravely, rushed into every dangerous situation the Wizarding world has to offer. Even this stupid ass movie added its own proof of this; Harry rushes into some British Open weeds or hay or something after Bellatrix LeStrange despite explicitly being told not to go anywhere and likely walking right into a trap (something that doesn't even happen in the book and allows for the Burrow to falsely be blown up; also, it's worth noting that nothing comes of this chase either. They just disappear and the Burrow is on fire. Nice). Yet they expect us to believe that he would just sit by as Malfoy and Snape, his two MOST HATED enemies since he became a wizard killed his mentor, friend, and idol...??? NOT LIKELY. Again, I find myself trying first to control my breathing as I think about this, and then trying to at least attempt to determine why the makers of this felt this mindless failure to adhere to the important details of the books would benefit their viewers. And with this one, the reason that this gets the Number 1 Reason why Harry Potter Movies could and should be better, is because I can't think of any reason to change this, particularly in light of the fact that you've already established Harry's recklessness earlier in THIS movie. If you can think of a reason, please let me know.

Anyway, I hope you like the Top 10 and please feel free to share with any and everyone. I'm gonna post a less fleshed out Honorable Mention list later. Thanks for reading. Comments encouraged.

#2: The Battle

So in the midst of Dumbledore easing Draco Malfoy out of his intended plot, there is a battle raging beneath the astronomy tower between Death Eaters, members of the DA and members of the order. First off, I'm just amazed Yates and crew didn't want to take another opportunity to have wisps of smoke flying around not doing any actual magic at each other. Second of all, this gets absolutely no mention, no acknowledgement, NOTHING. Harry was supposed to have taken only half of his Felix Felicis when he obtained the memory from Slughorn and, for fear of an attack, he gave the rest of the potion to his friends whom he asked to patrol the halls while he was gone. (Sidenote: did anyone else think that their depiction of Harry on liquid luck was basically like he'd just railed a few lines of cocaine. I mean that wasn't what I imagined at all. He acted like a total freak and there were plenty of mistakes in that scene as well, particularly his initial interaction with Slughorn). Anyway, Ginny later says something along the lines of, well if we hadn't had your potion I think we all would have been screwed, cause spells just seemed to miss us for some reason. In other words they were extremely lucky AND they were in mortal peril. This last point seems to me something worth noting in the film and it wasn't.

The reason this is number 2 is because to paraphrase literally everyone that I know who saw this movie, "Seriously, how could they not have included the biggest battle of the book?" This whole issue is indicative of the greater sin committed by these movie-makers: they're making an adaptation of the books, not a representation. So if they can come up with a plot that encompasses what they're trying to accomplish with their film, then they do so at the expense of every true fan's desires. It's just that simple. Because their plot wasn't directly fueled by the battle taking place beneath the tower, they felt it was expendable, much to my chagrin.

Stay tuned later today for the Number 1 Reason why The Half Blood Prince could and should have been better (along with the rest of the movies). And I don't know if I'll get to it today, but I have been jotting down an honorable mention list throughout the week. That might have to wait until Monday.

#3: The Cave

Remember the Agrocrag from Global Guts on Nickelodeon? Yea? So did David Yates. On par with and perhaps surpassing Dumbledore's death, this is one of the two most important sections of the book. What Harry and Dumbledore accomplish on this journey is significant for several reasons. The two most important are: first, this task represents the culmination of an entire year of work for Harry in getting the memory from Slughorn and his lessons with Dumbledore and perhaps several years worth of work for Dumbledore independently; second, this maiden process of searching for, gaining access to, and ultimately destroying a horcrux lays the foundation for Harry's quest in the coming years. This is the first time that Harry knowingly obtains what he believes to be a horcrux and this experience in conjunction with Dumbledore's death undoubtedly strengthens Harry's resolve regarding the mission endowed to him. It is worth noting, however, that it is an important plot point that the horcrux is in fact a fake because it prevents the plot from falling into a formulaic trap of Goal-Action-Success type writing (Courtesy of troutmonkey).

Now, if the devil is in the details, this scene has gone straight to Hell, do not pass GO, do not collect $200. Let's work from outside to inside. So I guess it was kind of cool to have these huge waves breaking against the rocks and a jutting crag to land on. But uhhh, they swim... So that might've been a little tough. I can get over this one. Next, they're in the cave and the deep dark magic protecting the door doesn't cause Dumbledore to falter even a little bit... Greatest wizard of all time, probably, but JKR sees fit to have him spend a little bit more than three seconds discovering the blood token required for entrance. Then, once he does, there's supposed to be a door outlined, not just rocks falling like someone pulled the wrong Jenga piece.

So finally they're in the same room as the horcrux and we've piled up all these mistakes already, but it gets better. First of all, the island holding the basin emanates a dull green light, Dumbledore does not throw out a portable Lumos and see it. Then, the chain is not in the water, it's in the air and he has to find it, before they're able to pull. They did a nice job with the boat I thought, though I thought the sound of it coming up from beneath the water took away from the creepiness invoked by the silence of a boat floating towards you and chains slowly clinking. Ahhh the island. Back to the agrocrag. This pixellated, boxy overdone piece of rock looked like something out of a Nintendo 64 video game. I'm of the opinion that a jet black crag of particularly sinister looking rock is far more threatening or intimidating than this silvery lego creation. Then, what pissed me off probably more than anything in this scene: it clearly states that Dumbledore, after discovering that the potion must be drunk, conjures a goblet out of nothing. Cool little bit of magic I thought. How hard is that to put in the movie? Not hard at all. Instead there's some fucking seashell sitting atop the basin like it was a kid's sand castle on the beach. And what was done with this seashell should have been much better. Imagine that your Bartender is Voldemort and he's making you a magical drink intended to cause as much emotional, perhaps physical, and psychological pain as possible... It's probably not gonna be too pleasant. I don't think that Dumbledore's struggle was near what it should have been. Alas, I am utterly unsatisfied by these movies, per usual.

#4: Death Eaters Can Fly

This is easily one of my biggest issues with the movies (mainly 5 and 6). I've done my best not to include Book 7 in my analysis on this list, but its essential to this particular issue. In Book 7, when Harry is being decoyed in every way imaginable and Voldemort and others are trying to capture him, the Order members who protect Harry are amazed that Voldemort has the ability to fly without any of the standard means of flight (e.g., Broomstick). The greatest Dark Wizard of all time (and debatably the most powerful wizard in the world at this point, sans Dumbledore) has discovered a power unique to him and perhaps other great wizards in history. JKR makes it QUITE clear that this is something distinctive, something extraordinarily uncommon. Following this logic, not every talentless assclown of a Death Eater can just cruise around in a wisp of smoke as they please. It's clear in the Department of Mysteries in OTP that Death eaters are not apparating as they fly alongside fleeing DA members. The entire battle that ensues between Death Eaters and Order Members is loaded with black and white smoke flying all over the place. According to the book, this is NOT possible. In HBP, three Death Eaters, including a werewolf fly all over the damn place, blowing up shops in Diagon Alley and taking down bridges as they fly by. Key word: FLY. Anything that JKR sees fit to reserve for Voldemort, and Voldemort alone should be respected as such. Essentially what these filmmakers are doing by giving powers saved for Voldemort to the likes of Malfoy and Greyback, is putting them in the same tier as Voldemort. I don't have to tell you how ridiculous this is. There are so many more ways to get around in the magical world then their are in the muggle world. Flying of your own accord is not one of them. Yet another pointless addition that detracts from the true fan's detailed assessment of the movies.

#5: Teen Romance Novel

There is a sizable chunk of this movie that feels like it was written by Danielle Steele when she was 16. Granted, JKR herself steps up the romance in HBP, there's no doubt about it. But the words address the issue with much more subtlety than the Americanized Warner Bros production. Additionally, it's not the major plot point in the book, whereas in a movie with 153 minute running time, the ultra-compelling amorous plot between Ron and Hermione, Ron and Lavender, and Harry and Ginny probably wastes an hour of the time. As you can see from my previous posts, there are many things that I feel are woefully omitted from the movie. Again, plenty of people are probably thinking well, it's a huge book with lots of details, omission is inevitable; this is true, but my issue is not solely omission, but rather the omission of details to make room for more tween romance bullshit. I get that they're trying to market this film to a certain audience, but come on. Everyone was going to see this movie anyway.

A perfect example of my frustration regarding the teen romance aspect of this movie is this: excluding Deathly Hallows, this is by far the Darkest book yet. Voldemort's ascent to power is literally depressing the wizarding community. The ministry of magic is failing to do its job properly (e.g., the arrest of Stan Shunpike), the Order of the Phoenix has lost several key members, and Dumbledore is undoubtedly becoming weaker. All that being said, HOW DOES THIS MOVIE GET A PG RATING? If I had my way, this movie would be NC-17 and every bit of the gruesome descent to despair experienced by the wizarding community would have been the first twenty minutes, NOT Hermione huffing and puffing about Lavender Brown giving Ron googly eyes.

And finally, in the interest of defending some of the importance of the romance aspect of this book, there is one scene that sticks out in my mind that is romantic as well as essential to the advancement of the plot, which the movie (of course) is devoid of. After pages and pages, hundreds of words describing the previously inexperienced feelings that Harry has for Ginny, he is forced to do one of the hardest things humanly possible: voluntarily revoke his requited, divine love for Ginny in order to ensure her safety as he ventures forth to search for Horcruxes and ultimately, destroy Voldemort. This scene in the book does two things for me: one, it illustrates Harry's instant maturation process after Dumbledore's death; and second, it outlines quite clearly the mission he is about to embark upon, which the end of the movie barely mentions.

Thanks for Reading, stay tuned for #s 4 & 3 later today. Comments encouraged.

#6: Voldemort's Inclusion

Ok so it's confirmed at the end of OTP that Voldemort has in fact returned. The entire premise of HBP is this fact. A war has begun, things are happening that happened fourteen years prior, people are dying, his followers are returning, the dark mark is appearing more places, etc. etc. Bottom line: kind of a big deal. Yet he doesn't make a single appearance in the movie? I realize that he has limited appearances in the book as well, but what was picked and chosen for the movie about Voldemort seemed wrong to me. Particularly the omission of the scene where you meet his parents incidentally. I found the Gaunt's and the connection to the ring Horcrux to be very intriguing and again, the imagery surrounding Marvolo, his home, and his son Morfin seems like it would do very well in a visual medium. But Yates and crew felt differently.

#7: Depiction of Magic

I have always taken issue with how magic is depicted in the Harry Potter movies. When I think of what JKR most frequently says when she is describing magic, I think 'jet of light' (Jet of green light, avada kedavra; jet of red light, stupefy, etc. etc.). Now to me a jet of light is crisp, clean, about wand width and length, and travels very quickly. I imagine it almost as something fired from a laser gun, but perhaps a bit longer or shorter, depending on the laser gun. In the movies, however, jet of light is far from the case. Remember when Harry's wand connects with Voldemort's because their wand hairs came from the same unicorn? Did anyone else read that passage as, "Voldemort forces Harry to bow, they both cast a spell at one another, their wands connect, and oh, a shitload of different colored lava, molten rock, or some form of plasma flows from their wands"? NO. Seriously, magic is so poorly depicted in these movies that it drives me crazy. It literally looks like lava. Now this isn't all the time, but enough to upset me.

Another critical scene and one of the most memorable chapters in any of the 7 books: "The Only One He Ever Feared," is the chapter in Order of the Phoenix that describes the fight between Voldemort and Dumbledore in the Ministry. Ok, I personally found Book 5 to be a bit slower of a read than the rest of the books and it was very long, but for me, this chapter made the entire book worth reading. You basically wait 5 books for this. The greatest Dark Wizard of all time vs. the greatest Wizard of all time. Imagine how many galleons people would have thrown down on this fight if they'd had the chance. Not only does Dumbledore enchant some statues to prance around and take spells like champions to defend Harry as well as accost Bellatrix (not in the movie), this is one of the only times where the reader feels the true power of Dumbledore, where the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end every time he flicks his wand. Voldemort's embittered screaming emanates loathing and hatred, while Dumbledore's calm and measured words ensure the reader (as well as Voldemort, I believe), that he is superior. The movie does alright with the snake and the aquaorb, but they make Dumbledore seem so feeble, so old, so challenged by Voldemort, which in my mind was never the case.

But what about the HBP movie you say? Well the one example that I can think of off the top of my head is when someone (can't remember who) casts a spell at Fenrir Greyback, who, wandless, blocks this spell. I'm sorry, but how? We have a clear counter-example present in all the books and movies, Remus Lupin, who is clearly a wizard but for one night a month. He doesn't just conjure or block spells at whim with his hands. I believe JKR's intention with Fenrir was not to endow him with special powers, but rather to express his truly sinister and evil nature, demonstrating things such as his positioning before the full moon, etc.

I realize that these things may seem little or insignificant, but what will confuse and upset me forever about these movies is that I do not and will not understand why details provided by the author of the incredible books are changed when they don't have to be. One example of this will be discussed in #3, but you'll have to wait for that. Stay tuned later for today for #s 6 &5.

Finally, if you think something, post a comment!

#8: Defense Against the Dark Arts Lessons-OBSOLETE

I'm thinking now that perhaps I should have switched #8 and #9 in order of importance but no matter, the list must continue.

Several important things contribute to this issue in the book: the first is that in the explanation of his actions to Bellatrix and Narcissa, Snape states that Dumbledore would not give him the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor for fear that this post might foment a dark sentiment in Snape, believed by Dumbledore to have been relinquished; thus when he gets the appointment in HBP, it is a big deal. The crux of his lesson plan that JKR mentions is the ability to cast spells without saying them aloud, thus rendering one's opponent ignorant of the spell headed for them. "those who progress to using magic without shouting incantations gain an element of surprise in their spell-casting," (Snape, HBP, p. 179). Throughout HBP, Snape berates Harry for his inability to attain this ability which later is of crucial importance when trying to battle with Snape after Dumbledore's death. (This is also of supreme importance in what very well might end up being the movie's biggest blunder, discussed later in the list). The movie does not implement a single DADA lesson, nor does it explain nonverbal spells at all; the movie merely has Malfoy and Harry battling proficiently without saying a word in Myrtle's (no appearance for her either, or any of the ghosts for that matter) bathroom until Harry casts sectumsempera.

Perhaps I am alone, but I was of the opinion that it was very big deal that Snape, a former Death Eater, was teaching DADA at Hogwarts. Additionally, of equal importance was the instruction of nonverbal spells in the NEWT year of DADA. The movie gives these facts limited coverage and opens itself yet again to mistakes resulting from omission of crucial details.

That's all for today, but keep reading for #s 7, 6, & 5 tomorrow.

#9: Omission of Scenes: Minister 2 Prime Minister & Dumbledore's Funeral

The omission of scenes really bugs me. When I read Harry Potter books, the imagery conveyed by the words seems very clear to me. I'm a visual thinker and while I acknowledge that this visuo-spatial experience is undoubtedly different for everyone, there are certain passages, certain chapters, certain lines even in these books that I feel HAVE to jump off the page to anyone above a 6th grade reading level. Now I completely understand and have experienced firsthand creative interpretation, but again (and perhaps I am remiss for thinking too highly of my own interpretation), there are certain things (scenes, chapters, interactions, conversations etc.) in these books I just cannot get over being stricken from the movies, particularly when they're replaced by the development of Ron's relationship with an overbearing, overacted, extremely annoying Lavender Brown.

Two such omissions are addressed here:

The first is the first chapter of the book, "The Other Minister," which incidentally seems to me like a logical starting place for a movie. This chapter depicts the introduction of the new Minister of Magic, Rufus Scrimgeour, by the old forcibly resigned minister, Cornelius Fudge to the Muggle Prime Minister of Great Britain. Additionally, this chapter chronicles the dissent to despair that is actively occurring in the Wizarding world; each time Fudge visits with the Prime Minister, he seems more and more disheveled and disheartened by the news he's required to report. Then comes Scrimgeour, the former Head of the Auror's office, a grizzly, chiseled, time-tested wizard who in my mind is the equivalent of electing a "wartime president," someone who has experience dealing with the worst the world has to offer. Additionally, this chapter is paramount to the understanding or comprehension of how truly bad things have gotten as Voldemort's ascent to power continues. Coordination and collaboration with the muggle world on the part of the Ministry of Magic clearly illustrates the worst things can be. As if it wasn't enough to not include this awesomely powerful scene that really sends a chill down the reader's spine, the geniuses in charge leave out the entire ministry of magic plot line. Scrimgeour isn't mentioned, in turn he doesn't visit the Weasleys and ask Harry to be the poster child for the ministry, Kingsley Shacklebolt isn't an aid in the Prime Minister's office, etc. etc. So many cool things are left out and it just amazes me that a brand new character who has such an awesome description in the book can be omitted entirely from the movie when an obnoxious and totally despised character, Dolores Umbridge, got so much screen time in Order of the Phoenix.

Albus Dumbledore is far and away recognized as the greatest wizard of all time. Exceedingly brilliant, devilishly clever, longtime Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, co-inventor of the Sorcerer's Stone, some hundred and fifty years old, and responsible in part for the education of every talented wizard this side of Russia for the last three-quarters of a century (personal estimation). I say all this to make clear the fact that when someone of this stature, of this quintessential unparalleled importance to the wizarding world is murdered by his own subordinate, his life will be celebrated second to none. JKR does this fact wonderful justice. Point to someone who didn't get chills when they read about the merpeople's song, the centaurs' tribute of arrows, and the somber lowering of a white, marble coffin and I'll point to a robot. To me, if I were a director or part of making a movie, I would be salivating at the thought of showing people my vision of this funeral. It was too good not to. The movie fails to include any bit of this scene. While I am quick to condemn them for this and despise the movies as I do, my friend suggested to me a compromise that even they could have come up with: why not have the cheesy, misrepresented last scene of the movie take place at the funeral. Then you get your lame appeal to the tween audience that giggles when the actors touch each other and you reach the very tip of the iceberg with pleasing people like me (or at least you give me one less thing to criticize you for).

Your comments are more than welcome. Stay tuned for #8 later today.

#10: The Burrow Explodes

Number 10 on our list may seem like an insignificant detail that's added to the movie to spice things up a bit, throw in a little extra steam (pun intended), but in reality the addition of this scene is actually indicative of a much greater sin committed by the makers of this (these) movie(s). The addition of scenes not included anywhere in the book detracts significantly from the inclusion of details clearly and pointedly laid out in the book. JKR does not strike me as someone who includes details frivolously, particularly at this point in the series; yet David Yates and Steve Kloves and whomever else are responsible for the production of these films seem ignorant of that fact, choosing what would market best rather than what would make the best film. For those of us who love these books and view them as written by someone one generation removed from the likes of Tolkien and C.S. Lewis (in terms of storytelling ability), to watch them be mangled and turned into teen romance flicks with special effects is a disappointing sight indeed.

The Burrow was never set on fire by Bellatrix LeStrange. And if it had been, do you think that 7 or 8 wizards would have stood by shivering like they'd just seen a bad car accident with their arms around one another or do you think they'd all be casting 'Aguamenti' or some other combination of spells to put the fire out and save their belongings, not to mention their tenuously constructed home? Additionally, this scene sets up one of the bigger mistakes the movie makes, which will come later in this list, but keep in mind that the second he hears her, Harry takes off against all counsel and good sense, seeking to kill Bellatrix.