#3: The DeLorean

1.21 GiGAWATTSSS MAAAARRRTTYYY! Who guessed that the most famous time traveling device in film history (along with Bill and Ted's excellent phonebooth) would be on this list? Probably most of you. Not only do I love this movie and this series, but this really is one of the coolest movie props ever. The flux capacitor and other techno-geek additives supplemented to the back of this ultra-light, efficient, quick little beast, that in real life almost revolutionized/ took over the automotive industry are awesome. Revvv this baby up to 88 Miles per Hour after punching in a date all the way to the day and you are where you wanna be.

Time travel is something that's been fantasized over by every kid, physicist, storyteller and daydreamer alike since the beginning of time. There are all kinds of infantile theories about traveling the speed of light and reversing the earth's orbit (e.g., Superman) and Time being the 4th dimension and business of this sort. Luckily for you, when I hit 88 miles per hour in the DeLorean, the last thing I'm going to be thinking of is the earth's orbit.

With a time machine, ahh there's so much. (NOTE: ALL of these are independent of each other and essentially a stream of consciousness thought/writing process) I'll start with the past I think. I'd go back and ensure that Nixon didn't get ripped off in the '60 election, in turn making him not the most politically paranoid individual of all time and probably a good president; I'd make sure the Vietnam war didn't happen, and in turn give LBJ's welfare incentives an opportunity to make this country what it should be today. I'd go hunting with FDR. I'd probably do nothing about the Titanic. I might bring the Indians a few guns to make the fight a little more interesting and to piss Karl off. I'd definitely go watch a gladiator fight. I'd go tell everyone in the Civil War that the way they were fighting was retarded and that they were going to kill 620,000 Americans for nothing. I'd probably go see Jesus speak, just to see if that was all it's cracked up to be. I'd definitely punch Thomas Jefferson in the face. I'd ask Ben Franklin why a guy with such a sweet life has the most boring autobiography of all time. I'd bring a submarine back, with future DeLorean technology obviously, and sit in the atlantic ocean blowing up slave trade ships. I'd go see William Wallace fight from a cloaked helicopter, to compare the movie to real life. I'd definitely check out the dinosaurs, probably mount a T-Rex head on my wall in the "present" after shooting him with some photon cannon from the year 3000. I'd murder Donovan McNabb's parents while they were dating. I'd watch a fight between shaolin monks. I'd check out some Samurai battles. I'd get a front row seat to every Nicklaus-Palmer battle. I'd go to the Eagles 1960 World Championship, the Sixers 1983 Championship Series, and the Phillies 1980 World Series. I'd go watch the eagles win the Super Bowl in 2004, since Donovan McNabb is already dead. I'd go back to fourth grade where some bitch framed me for stealing the teacher's pencil and expose her. I'd probably foil W's rise to power entirely. That or dress up in tin foil and a helmet and try to convince him that I was from the future, just to see if he bought it. Tap John Wilkes Booth on the shoulder as he was cocking the gun and give him a taste of a 12-gauge. I'd go back and bet on games, knowing the outcome, and probably still lose betting on the Eagles. I'd commit crimes then go back and erase them. I'd go get wrecked in a speakeasy. I'd go buy old cars for like 6 dollars and sell them for half a million today. It's pretty clear that I would become rich quite quickly. I'd give Mac enough money to buy and sell PC over and over. Al Qaeda wouldn't exist. I'd find out if 9/11 was a conspiracy, and stop it either way. I'd probably let WWII unfold as it did except I might give the Americans some sick guns or something, just to ensure a little swifter victory, minus the holocaust, of course. I'd probably go and trip up the JoBros fasttrack to success, if I'm being honest. Take the movie you hate most in the world, or actor, or singer, or performer, or anything like that, and if you're nice to me, I'll go back and ensure their career doesn't work out. I'd personally go back and replace the knife in Phil Hartman's wife's hand with a dandelion and kick her in the knee. I'd definitely get ringside seats to Ali-Frasier fights, amongst others. I'd probably disrupt Tom Brady's surgery and make sure that it went horribly wrong.

As for the future, I'd take like a pack of pennies from now go and sell them at their peak, then buy a computer from like 40 years from now, come back and be like, what's up? I'd be sure to go get the cure for Type 1 Diabetes and various types of cancer and just bring them back. I probably go and find out how I die and/or wait until they come up with the immortality pill and get one of those. See the future is tough because you don't know what's going on. You're like the uncool new kid (as @TacoSpa puts it) whereas in the past you know exactly what's going on and you've got a fading picture of you and your siblings to tell you what to do. In order to combat this, you'd obviously have to go very far ahead then back up a little. So if you want to see what's up in 50 years you go 75, check out your tombstone in my case, etc. etc., then go back. As for the tombstone though, I'd probably just go to the future and get all sorts of new age treatments and cures and what not and just make my body and mind last forever. I'd take a girl on the coolest fuckin date she's ever been on. Like, hey, so what's your favorite period in history? Uhh. I liked Elizabethan England... Nice, me too. Let me get the door. TSSHHHHHHHSSHHHH. ... Uhh I think you're going a little fast, it's a 25. Just need to get to 88...

Admittedly my Future is a little weak, but I've got to get some actual shit done. So leave what you would do in the future and any more suggestions you've got for the past too. Thanks for reading.