#3: The DeLorean

1.21 GiGAWATTSSS MAAAARRRTTYYY! Who guessed that the most famous time traveling device in film history (along with Bill and Ted's excellent phonebooth) would be on this list? Probably most of you. Not only do I love this movie and this series, but this really is one of the coolest movie props ever. The flux capacitor and other techno-geek additives supplemented to the back of this ultra-light, efficient, quick little beast, that in real life almost revolutionized/ took over the automotive industry are awesome. Revvv this baby up to 88 Miles per Hour after punching in a date all the way to the day and you are where you wanna be.

Time travel is something that's been fantasized over by every kid, physicist, storyteller and daydreamer alike since the beginning of time. There are all kinds of infantile theories about traveling the speed of light and reversing the earth's orbit (e.g., Superman) and Time being the 4th dimension and business of this sort. Luckily for you, when I hit 88 miles per hour in the DeLorean, the last thing I'm going to be thinking of is the earth's orbit.

With a time machine, ahh there's so much. (NOTE: ALL of these are independent of each other and essentially a stream of consciousness thought/writing process) I'll start with the past I think. I'd go back and ensure that Nixon didn't get ripped off in the '60 election, in turn making him not the most politically paranoid individual of all time and probably a good president; I'd make sure the Vietnam war didn't happen, and in turn give LBJ's welfare incentives an opportunity to make this country what it should be today. I'd go hunting with FDR. I'd probably do nothing about the Titanic. I might bring the Indians a few guns to make the fight a little more interesting and to piss Karl off. I'd definitely go watch a gladiator fight. I'd go tell everyone in the Civil War that the way they were fighting was retarded and that they were going to kill 620,000 Americans for nothing. I'd probably go see Jesus speak, just to see if that was all it's cracked up to be. I'd definitely punch Thomas Jefferson in the face. I'd ask Ben Franklin why a guy with such a sweet life has the most boring autobiography of all time. I'd bring a submarine back, with future DeLorean technology obviously, and sit in the atlantic ocean blowing up slave trade ships. I'd go see William Wallace fight from a cloaked helicopter, to compare the movie to real life. I'd definitely check out the dinosaurs, probably mount a T-Rex head on my wall in the "present" after shooting him with some photon cannon from the year 3000. I'd murder Donovan McNabb's parents while they were dating. I'd watch a fight between shaolin monks. I'd check out some Samurai battles. I'd get a front row seat to every Nicklaus-Palmer battle. I'd go to the Eagles 1960 World Championship, the Sixers 1983 Championship Series, and the Phillies 1980 World Series. I'd go watch the eagles win the Super Bowl in 2004, since Donovan McNabb is already dead. I'd go back to fourth grade where some bitch framed me for stealing the teacher's pencil and expose her. I'd probably foil W's rise to power entirely. That or dress up in tin foil and a helmet and try to convince him that I was from the future, just to see if he bought it. Tap John Wilkes Booth on the shoulder as he was cocking the gun and give him a taste of a 12-gauge. I'd go back and bet on games, knowing the outcome, and probably still lose betting on the Eagles. I'd commit crimes then go back and erase them. I'd go get wrecked in a speakeasy. I'd go buy old cars for like 6 dollars and sell them for half a million today. It's pretty clear that I would become rich quite quickly. I'd give Mac enough money to buy and sell PC over and over. Al Qaeda wouldn't exist. I'd find out if 9/11 was a conspiracy, and stop it either way. I'd probably let WWII unfold as it did except I might give the Americans some sick guns or something, just to ensure a little swifter victory, minus the holocaust, of course. I'd probably go and trip up the JoBros fasttrack to success, if I'm being honest. Take the movie you hate most in the world, or actor, or singer, or performer, or anything like that, and if you're nice to me, I'll go back and ensure their career doesn't work out. I'd personally go back and replace the knife in Phil Hartman's wife's hand with a dandelion and kick her in the knee. I'd definitely get ringside seats to Ali-Frasier fights, amongst others. I'd probably disrupt Tom Brady's surgery and make sure that it went horribly wrong.

As for the future, I'd take like a pack of pennies from now go and sell them at their peak, then buy a computer from like 40 years from now, come back and be like, what's up? I'd be sure to go get the cure for Type 1 Diabetes and various types of cancer and just bring them back. I probably go and find out how I die and/or wait until they come up with the immortality pill and get one of those. See the future is tough because you don't know what's going on. You're like the uncool new kid (as @TacoSpa puts it) whereas in the past you know exactly what's going on and you've got a fading picture of you and your siblings to tell you what to do. In order to combat this, you'd obviously have to go very far ahead then back up a little. So if you want to see what's up in 50 years you go 75, check out your tombstone in my case, etc. etc., then go back. As for the tombstone though, I'd probably just go to the future and get all sorts of new age treatments and cures and what not and just make my body and mind last forever. I'd take a girl on the coolest fuckin date she's ever been on. Like, hey, so what's your favorite period in history? Uhh. I liked Elizabethan England... Nice, me too. Let me get the door. TSSHHHHHHHSSHHHH. ... Uhh I think you're going a little fast, it's a 25. Just need to get to 88...

Admittedly my Future is a little weak, but I've got to get some actual shit done. So leave what you would do in the future and any more suggestions you've got for the past too. Thanks for reading.

#4: Qui-Gon Jin's Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Until yesterday, when I spent the day at the beach, number 4 was going to be the Green Goblin Glider. I was going to discuss the differences between the cartoon version, the Norman Osbourne version, and finally the Harry Osbourne snowboard version featured in Spiderman 3. But then I thought to myself, flight has been covered on this list, so why not fulfill another dream of mine with a prop: breathing underwater.

For those of you who need refreshing, the abomination that is Jar-Jar Binks is leading Qui-Gon Jin and Obi-Wan Kenobi to the secret city of the Gungans, where they essentially hide in times of trouble. This is entire city is situated underwater and houses some sort of quasi-liquid orbs that allow gravity and oxygen etc. So anyway, the two Jedi follow Jar-Jar to the hidden city and as they're submerging themselves they insert two small devices that look like a mouthguard with plastic wings into their mouths. Presumably, this allows them to breathe underwater, because they enter a pond and swim to the city.

Anyway, breathing underwater is obviously something really really cool. Scuba diving without a tank or any of that cumbersome gear, scaring the shit out of people with fake shark fins etc, creating some sort of suit that's resistant to pressure (and assuming that this device is capable of extracting oxygen from extremely pressurized water (I mean it's used by Jedi, it's probably safe to assume that)) and discovering all kinds of previously lost treasure, do some kind of Italian Job-like thievery in Venice, winning a shitload of breath-holding contests via hustling, (assuming I could replicate this prop for just one second) creating some sort of quidditch-like underwater game (courtesy of BB), astronaut training, becoming a disgusting surfer, given that if I 'wipe out,' as it's called, I can't drown, doing similar things of that nature, extreme kayaking, cliff diving, and pretty much anything where drowning is a risk, and finally trying to discover some way to trigger underwater volcanic eruptions, so as to create my own island in the pacific.

Comment with your uses for underwater breathing in a tiny handheld device.

Sorry for the lengthy delay, the real world's been knocking at my door the last few days. Then I went to the beach.

#5: Like Mike Basketball Shoes

Ok so these shoes were hanging on an electric line (my understanding is that this gesture suggests the space beneath directly below said shoes is a venue for purchasing drugs, but I dunno. Just thought that would be a hilarious coincidence) and they're struck by lightning or some astrological force. Bow Wow somehow discovers the shoes. Anyway, the shoes endow the owner/ person wearing them with basketball abilities akin to Michael Jordan, despite height, color, creed, or any other potential impasse to being tremendous at basketball. It's also possible that the shoes make one better than Michael Jordan. I say this because I seem to recall all 5 foot 3 inches, hundred and thirty-five pounds of Bow Wow not missing a shot once, let alone being capable of dunking. Logically speaking, anyone who becomes like Mike as a result of the shoes, but has fewer qualities indicative of basketball success, is better than Mike... Anyway, that's not as important.

Bottom line: I would head directly to Rucker Park and become a street legend. NBA you ask? Nope. I'd travel the country to all the notorious and infamous courts where no white boy who grew up in suburbia and never played organized basketball could even watch, let alone participate, and earn the respect of all the players. I'd make my money somehow, sponsoring street games, playing pros who called me out for not having the right stuff to play in the NBA in televised one-on-one games, etc. I'd also fortify the shoes so they didn't fall apart on me like they did in the movie, get them to some sort of sneaker cobbler to make them invincible.

After all this I'd probably join the NBA and win 6 championships, not just "get my team into the playoffs."

#6: Men In Black Mind Eraser

Technically known as the neutralizer, I'm sure I don't have to remind you what this little guy does. But I will. It has dials on which you can set Years, Months, Days, and I believe Hours (correct me if I'm wrong on that one). Depending on the settings, one facing the red beam and devoid of sunglasses loses any memory of the specified time. This prop would be so unbelievably useful.

Never pay for fast food again, never pay for anything again. Take a test, let your teacher grade it, boom erase and re-take. Withdraw, withdraw, withdraw, from the bank teller. Erase every embarrassing moment from here on out. Pretty much cure Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and perhaps other emotional disorders. End a bad relationship. Make myself forget when necessary. Memory erasing for hire business. I'd get to wear sunglasses pretty much all the time.

I know I'm probably missing some stuff here, so please post your ideas.

#7: Tinkerbell Fairy Dust (from Hook, not Peter pan)

I picked this particular prop because I think it was a creative way to diversify the list as well as include everyone's universal desire to be capable of flight. The reason I chose this in particular is because it affords one the unique ability to fly without any sort of contraption (like those bastardously misconstrued Death Eaters). So a broomstick, wings, or some other type of device that permits flight is inferior to a little bit of dust and a happy thought. (Sidenote: unemployment may or may not prevent me from conjuring a happy thought to make this work. Not to mention my inherent cynicism).

Another nice thing about this particular item is that you can share with friends. But before I shared anything, I would clearly go around to pretty much every basketball court in the country betting people exorbitant amounts of money that I could do a flip in the air, then 360, then dunk and things of the like.

This point of sharing though begets the question of how much, how much dust do I get for this prop? Well if it was infinite, it'd probably be a lot higher on the list. SO for our purposes, we'll say it's a finite amount. Now gimme some of your uses for flight.

#8: Invisibility Cloak

You don't need to be a Wizard to understand the tremendous number of uses for this cloak. I must say that if there's one thing J.K. Rowling falters with is the mischievous, rather, devious side of young wizards. I don't think many teenagers (at the very least, teenage guys) would fail to at least consider the perverse and sneaky things one could do with this cloak. That is not to say that I support any of those things, just that I feel they're important to mention when discussing the teenage psyche.

Anyway, my uses for the cloak include: living at home rent free and being able to appear out of the house, i.e., free of guff from my family, when I was really just writing this blog or pretending to study for the LSAT; scaring the bejeeezus out of everyone that I know, often; definitely figuring out some way to Rob a bank; lending it out to the military for vast sums of money to combat terrorism; avoiding mugging in any bad neighborhood anywhere; watching games/professional sports(basketball, football, baseball, etc.) courtside, fielside etc.; tripping Tom Brady, Ben Roethlisberger, Terrell Owens, Eli Manning, and a host of other athletes every time they tried to move on the field or court; solving mysteries; getting to the front of any line; staying after hours in amusement parks; getting out of the box; never suffering through another walk of shame again; bail on checks, tabs, or any kind of food service industry bill; bail on a bad date; hooking up in extraordinary locations (e.g., The 50-yard line of the Linc); political assassinations; never again be caught as the guy who just made the bathroom unbearable; frame people I don't like, plant evidence, etc.

I know I've missed some of the ways to take advantage of invisibility. Please comment with your uses for the invisibility cloak.

#9: Batmobile

Since I was a kid I've always loved the Batmobile. It really is one of the greatest cars ever. It showcases the time, money, ingenuity, and just sheer brilliance that is the Bruce Wayne/Batman tandem. I remember seeing one a few years back in a used car magazine for 200 grand and thinking to myself, I will own that someday. Alas, today is not that day, so I'll have to be content with merely blogging about the batmobile (insert discontented sigh). The Batmobile is extremely strong, it's extremely fast, and over the years it's amassed more cool gadgets than any prop car EVER.

The question becomes then, which one? For me, the original, the 1966 version up top doesn't do it for me. Then again, neither did Adam West (all due respect). I just don't like the orange. But it has to be given its due diligence as any original masterpiece does.

But Evolution has it's benefits, particularly in the Batmobile industry. The 1989 Batmobile was a work of art. This car still deserved to be recognized as one of the most badass Batmobiles. The original flame propellant on the back of this thing was the coolest thing I'd seen related to a car at that time.


Then we have to discuss the flashier adaptations of the Batmobile. Batman Forever's Batmobile is a true testament to the steroid age. Not just of baseball, but American Society. Nothing could could be simple and clean and pure anymore like the old Batmobiles, production companies, working wages, etc., everything had to be jacked up on something else, to get an edge. Well this is one Batmobile that certainly has an asterisk next to it in my mind.




Because I feel obligated, I have to to address the new Batmobiles from Begins and Dark Knight. Is the idea of them really cool? Yea, I think it's sweet that Batman drives a tank around that can do all kinds of cool stuff and I think that the idea for how the vehicle came to be (bridge builder) was really cool. But I just like my Batmobiles sleek, edgy, like the best sports car ever made + guns and explosives and things of that nature.

Finally, my own personal favorite Batmobile is the Batman Returns Batmobile. Sleek, similarly designed as the original, but it could get rid of its sides and go through alleways, not to mention climb walls. Perhaps the undercarriage is a bit structurally flawed, nontheless this is my favorite Batmobile. It's almost worth noting that if I was being specific, I could just say that I want the Penguin's miniaturized control booth and satellite device. But I'm not, so most importantly, I had a toy of this car that was totally awesome.

#10: Jack Sparrow's Compass

The compass that indeed, does not point due North but rather to the thing one wants most in the world. A map of the heavens on the inside and a compass disk made from a shaved walrus tusk, this little item could prove quite useful in many regards, first and foremost, shattering this 'emerging adult' stagnation I find myself entrenched in, comprised of procrastination, consternation, and indecision. Jack uses the compass to find a lot of mythological or fantastical items (e.g., the fountain of youth, Isla de Muerta, & the Flying Dutchman), but I wonder how well it would work in the real world. If what I truly wanted in life was money, does it just lead me to the outside of a bank, because that wouldn't do me much good. Or if what I wanted more than anything else was love, can you imagine following that thing like a dog concentrating on a scent and ending up standing next to some woman you've never met before... Think about how well that pickup line would go over, "Hi, uh... see I have this gadget here, that leads me to the thing I want most in the world, and I think that's love, and it lead me to you." Now if she's normal, she either reaches for her can of pepper spray or tells you to get the hell out of her face; if she's cool, she says something along the lines of well, what if that thing is just trying to get you laid. Either way, Mr. or Mrs. Right probably isn't gonna buy it. Though it does often lead Jack Sparrow to rum, which could be useful. I guess the biggest question mark related to this item for me is whether or not you can extremely specific, like making a distinction between 'rum' and 'free rum' or 'money' and 'easily stealable money that's federally insured so I don't feel guilty' etc. etc. The idea of this prop gets it onto the list, but the pragmatic semantics of it keep it at Number 10. And in case you're wondering, in the interest of diversifying the list, I did choose this item OVER Davy Jones' heart, which will not be on the list.

Thanks for reading, please comment either below or in the new comment section to the right, and I hope you enjoy the remainder of the list. Thanks.

Introduction to the Issue

Good Mooooorrrnnninngggg Neverland! (A. not an homage to the late Michael Jackson B. definitely a hook reference but really C. the name of my unemployed milieu, in which I will 'never' get a job). SO this week's topic is another Top Ten list, the Top 10 Movie Props I would want to have and be able to use properly. To answer the first question that is raised regarding this topic, YES, that does mean that if you need some sort of power not traditionally afforded to human beings or perhaps entirely fictional, then you get it for the purposes of these arguments. I will not, however, allow this fact to tarnish the integrity of the list, with a bit of logic such as... "Well obviously X has to be Number 1 because if I had that I could just..." I will be going by what I think the best props to have are, not by what other props I could make, obtain, forge, steal, etc. if I had the powers associated with one.

Next, this entire list and line of thought has only been made possible with the assistance of TroutMonkey, who must receive my g(f)ratitude before we continue.

Finally, you might notice that I've added a comment box on the side of the blog. I don't particularly like the format of it, but I couldn't change very much about it. Anyway, the reason I did this is because I think that this particular topic is going to promote a lot of discussion (at least I hope it will) and I'd hate to retard anyone's thoughts with my glacial posting pace. So the box is for those who want to have a running dialogue throughout the publishing of the entire list and I hope it gets used, otherwise this entire paragraph makes me look like a huge jackass.

Anyway, thanks for reading, make comments, and most importantly of all, if you liked it, tell your friends.